Annika John, Cayla Sanderlin, and Katherine Gandara are new mothers and Servant Partners staff in San Jose, California. In these collages and Q&A, they share reflections about motherhood and ministry.
Image by Cayla Sanderlin
What does this piece represent for you?
Cayla: Motherhood is an uncertain journey that requires a lot of learning and unlearning and relearning. Even in the uncertainty, I have found that there is nothing in the world like my child experiencing joy, and the people in my life loving her. Being a mother has also allowed me to experience God as a caregiver in a new way—God being committed to me for all of life, no questions asked. I put an image of a dancer on the piece because I want to be someone who goes with the flow, not hindered by comparison.
Annika: My piece tells a story about grief and the Mystery of God, things going wrong, prayers and healing. There is a lot of confusion and questions in the motherhood journey, but I am finding that God is a God who holds me. During my birth experience, God held me through my doula holding me before they took me away for surgery, the nurse in the operating room holding my hands while they prepped me for surgery, and through Josef holding me while I wept through the surgery. And now Seylah is held. One of my greatest joys is watching her being held by the community—all the diverse hands, cultures, experiences, languages, stories. It's one of my greatest joys, seeing others care for her. My grief birthed new life through Seylah's life, but also birthed new spiritual life for me—understanding God as a God who holds me and a God who welcomes mystery. I wrote a verse [on the collage] about rivers of tears and God's presence. "There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” (Psalm 46:4-5 NIV)
Katherine: One of the benefits of being a mother in ministry is that doors have been opened to me, like having community and building relationships with my neighbors. Not just our physical neighbors here, but also within our church community with other mothers. I feel like I more fully understand the daily struggles of being a mother now and doing things in community. I feel like I've experienced a lot of God's love for me just because of my love for my child. Seeing my child grow up and being able to share him with others is a huge blessing. [In my piece,] I like how the couple is in the middle. Even though Jezrael and I have hard times, we are the core of what is growing, not only in our family, but also in the community—us with God. I like that it is the center of everything.
Image by Annika John
What are some joys and challenges of mothering while in ministry?
Annika: Seylah has a special relationship with Ana, a leader in our community. When Ana is having a low day where she is overwhelmed with emotion or grieving something, she will often ask for Seylah to come with us on our mentorship walks. She often needs the joyful and innocent presence that Seylah offers. I believe that children are so close to the presence of God, so untainted by the world. I think Ana is able to enter into God's presence through Seylah. Seylah invites a vulnerability, a pure joy, and a playfulness. Seylah draws out those things in my ministry meetings in unexpected ways. I was worried that Seylah would distract me and make ministry a lot harder, and in some ways it does make things more challenging, but I think she has been a greater gift to the ministry than I could have foreseen.
Cayla: I think people in the neighborhood are more trusting of you when you have a baby, as well, which is a blessing.
Katherine: One of my biggest joys is being able to see community love on Elias, but also Elias love on them. Especially since we don't have family here, I'm just so curious how he sees other people. Kayla lives with us and when it's time for bedtime, I'll tell him to go say goodnight to everyone, and he runs to hug her. He finds something in her like a family member. But it's hard to identify what [the relationship] is. He doesn't know and we don't really know either. Being able to see the love that he gives others and the love that they give him, seeing it as a big community, a big family, when we don't have family here, has been a really good blessing. I love seeing him play with other kids, and for adults in the community to see him as part of the family.
Cayla: I also like the gift of raising our kids together. Thursday [Bible studies] are Adaora's favorite days, because Seylah is over.
Annika: Andy trying to lead Bible study while Adaora and Seylah are slapping his legs is so funny. He is so patient though.
Image by Katherine Gandara
Cayla: One challenge I have come across is the need to reframe my idea of work after having a baby. It's really easy for me to feel like I'm not producing enough for the ministry because I had many years of giving a lot of time and energy and resources—a lot of myself—and then, all a sudden, this “whirlwind of being” came into existence and I feel like my attention and ability to contribute is just totally shot. And so, I've had to really train my brain to think of mothering as a part of my job. We are trying to represent the Kingdom of God in the community, and the way that we mother impacts how people experience the Kingdom of God. Especially since my partner can't be present during the day, because of his work schedule, I've had to be the primary caretaker for Adaora. Mothering is one way that we engage in the work of the Kingdom of God in the community. Not only can we be examples of healthy mothers in the community, but raising just and kind humans is going to have a longer impact and do more for the world than my small contribution here in San Jose.
Image by Katherine Gandara
Annika: I like how you said you have to retrain your brain.
Cayla: Oh yeah, capitalism is ugly. "We are what we produce" is a lie our society is taught to believe. I am always having to address that lie: "I am not what I do, I am who God has created me to be, and in this season, and for the rest of my life, I will be a mother." Lifelong learning to unlearn the lies of the world.
What words of wisdom you would like to leave for others?
Katherine: Flow with the changes. When you become pregnant, you know that everything is going to change, but you do not know what that will look like. A lot of times, we have this idea that we can do the same things and just figure out what to do with the baby. But a lot of the time, we need to come to the understanding that parenting is the ministry. It isn't as if we are doing nothing because it's work—it's a job, and it's not easy. A job that doesn't get paid. If we don't accept the changes and go slow, we spread ourselves too thin, and then we end up hurting not just ourselves but others. We can't always give our full attention, keep certain commitments, and we sometimes have to break our promises. But accepting that this is a new thing and not a bad thing—it's a new way of doing work.
Cayla: And this new way of doing things is beautiful and just as valuable as our old way of doing things.
Annika: I was reflecting with Rubi, a young mother in our community, about how Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me." He loved children and always made space for them. Children bring us closer to the divine. An encouragement for mothers: pay attention to how God might be trying to love us or speak to us through our children—whether through an unexpected kiss, a little word or hug, the ways [my] Seylah gasps at the beauty of the purple flowers outside our house every time we see them—and try to be attuned to God's spirit moving in our children and in our relationship to them. It is a more integrated spirituality, where we are experiencing God in and through our children, versus scheduling a long devotional in the morning. Practice the presence of God through your children.